Letter to Nhím

By Ngân Lê

March 2nd, 2020

Dear Nhím,

How do you always manage to creep into my life again no matter how hard I try to escape you? 

You come unexpectedly and surreptitiously, sneaking into my life like a sly snake waiting for just the right moment to swallow its prey. I would be thinking everything is right with the world until you come and make me question my existence, doubt my meaning, and challenge my identity. 

What do you want? What do I need to give you so you could just let me go?

March 29th, 2020

Dear Nhím,

Being in a quarantine camp rids me of the nebulous sense of belonging that I have in the outside world. I don’t have my boyfriend by my side to make me feel safe, whole, and complete anymore. 

The thought of not having him stifled and suffocated me. I was lost in this dark, unknown forest without having any direction or guidance of how to get out. I frantically ran around looking for him and screaming his name with a desperate hope that he will save me. He was no where to be found but I caught a glimpse of someone else’s silhouette. 

You.

I still have you. 

I repeated to myself multiple times.

No matter what happens, I still have you.

April 4th, 2020

Dear Nhím,

It's been almost a week since I came back home.

I finally managed to pick myself up from the floor and go to the shower today. For a brief moment, the cold water washes not only the dirt but also the memories and pain. Just a brief moment. 

With that being said, I’m not sure when I’ll be ready to face you. 

When I eat, I turn on “How I Met Your Mother” to block your voice from entering my head. During the weekend, I spend extra time doing homework for classes to avoid thinking about you. I turn on One Direction when I have nothing to do to keep my mind occupied with anything but you.

But maybe tomorrow I’ll try eating breakfast with you. 

One step at a time. 

May 21st, 2020

Dear Nhím,

We have a good talk today. I never expect spending time with you could be so refreshing and calming. You don't tell me anything I don’t already know but you help me to come to terms with those facts. You teach me how sometimes being vulnerable and being empowered can be the same thing.

I’m sorry it took this long for me to gather the courage to be honest to you.

I’m sorry I prioritize others’ expectations, needs, and desires instead of listening to yours.

I’m sorry I deprive you of the love and attention you deserve.

Thank you for not giving up on me. It’s my turn to take care of you now.

July 2nd, 2020

Dear Nhím,

I notice how I’m appreciating every little thing a bit more. I remember reading somewhere about the reason why children are so happy is that they find joy in simple pleasures and the reason why adults are so unhappy is that they constantly want more than just simple pleasures. 

I’m starting to feel like a child again.

I was in a bookstore this morning when a little girl suddenly held my hand, mistaking me as her mom. Normally, I would have just let the girl’s hand go. But this morning, I was hoping the girl didn’t realize I wasn’t her mom and held my hand a bit longer. Her tiny fingers tightly gripped my fingers and my heart. 

I have this intense urge to protect that little girl in the book store, that little girl inside me. 

At that moment, I realized my journey to self-love has already begun without my knowing.  

August 24th, 2020

Dear Nhím,

Everytime I say your name I can feel this cloud of nostalgia wrapping around me and I can almost sense the musty smell of that small yellow apartment my family lived in fourteen years ago. Nhím, which translated to hedgehog, is the endearing nickname my mom gave me when I was little. She wants me to have sharp spines like hedgehogs so I could protect myself and not get hurt by anyone. 

Nhim is a reminder for me to come back to what I thought was lost, because the best relationship one could ever have is with oneself. 

For a long time, I truly believed in devoting my whole self to another person, sacrificing and doing everything in my capacity to understand and cheer that person up is an expression of my happiness. But no, it was a way for me to escape looking inward.

It’s 2 am and I’m trying on this cute white dress hidden in the back of my closet. I never had any special occasion to wear it yet so I’m making today a special occasion. I french braid my hair and carefully put on pearls barrette on one side of my head while blasting Taylor Swift’s Lover album. 

I turn to the mirror and stare at the reflection.

“Nhím, you're all I ever need.”

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